Tips for Managing Parent Preference: When Your Child Only Wants Mum or Dad

Expert advice from Emotion Coach Dr Christiane Kehoe

It's bedtime. You reach for the storybook, and your toddler's face cumples. "No! Only Daddy read it!" You hand the book over, smile tightly, and quietly wonder why your own child doesn't seem to want you. If this scene feels familiar, you're far from alone and it says nothing about how much your child loves you. It can be so painful when your little one seems to prefer one parent over the other and you hear those cutting words “No! I only want Daddy!” or “Mummy go away!”

Parent preference is one of the most common and least talked about experiences of early parenthood. At some point, most children will latch fiercely onto one parent and push the other away. It's a normal stage of development, but knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less, whether you're the parent doing everything or the one being told to go away.

There are two kinds of exhaustion in parent preference: the parent who can't leave the room without tears, and the parent whose offers of help are met with "No! Go away!" Neither is easy and both are more common than you might think. If you are the parent constantly being chosen (and feeling exhausted) or the one being pushed away (and feeling hurt), parent preference can be challenging to navigate.

In this article our Parents You've Got This Emotion Coach Expert Dr Christiane Kehoe shares practical, reassuring advice on why parent preference happens, what it means developmentally and how families can navigate it with confidence and connection.

What Is Parent Preference?

Parent preference simply refers to a child strongly favouring one parent over another.

“It basically means what it says,” explains Dr Christiane Kehoe. “They prefer one parent over the other.”

Sometimes it looks like:

• Only wanting one parent at bedtime

• Refusing help from the other parent

• Wanting only one parent for cuddles or comfort

• Pushing one parent away emotionally or physically

• Strong protests when the “preferred” parent leaves

And while it can feel deeply personal, parent preference is often a very normal part of development. 

Is It Normal for Children to Prefer One Parent?

The short answer? Yes, it is very normal. Attachment theorists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth proposed that children form a "hierarchy" of caregivers, tending to prefer one attachment figure. especially when they are distressed (Bowlby, 1969; Bakermans-Kranenburg, 2021).

Parent preference can start very, very early and it does change over the years so there is light at the end of the tunnel. Children naturally move through different developmental stages where they may feel more attached to one parent for different reasons.

In infancy, preference is often based on familiarity and caregiving.

For example:

• A breastfeeding baby may naturally prefer mum

• A baby cared for primarily by dad may prefer dad

• The preferred parent is often the child’s “secure base”

The reassuring part? Preferences are rarely permanent.

Why Does a Child Prefer One Parent?

According to Dr Christiane Kehoe, there is not always one simple explanation for why a child prefers one parent over another. Often, parent preference comes down to a combination of familiarity, emotional safety, personality and temperament. 

Children frequently feel safest with the parent who spends the most time caring for them, particularly in the early years when routine and predictability provide children with a sense of safety. Children may gravitate toward the parent they associate with emotional comfort, particularly when they are feeling upset, overwhelmed or dysregulated. “When their need for safety and connection is activated, they’ll gravitate toward that person,” Dr Kehoe explains. Research supports this. A study by Umemura and colleagues (2013) followed toddlers and their parents to explore which caregiver children preferred and why. The researchers found that when toddlers were distressed, they most often turned to their primary caregiver  (i.e., the parent who spent the most time with them and did most of the day-to-day care) regardless of how secure their attachment was to either parent. When toddlers were calm and content, however, they showed no strong preference at all. In other words, preference tends to spike in moments of stress or tiredness, and it reflects familiarity rather than the strength of either parent's bond with the child.

Parent preference can also reflect a child’s interests and personality. A child who enjoys active, rough-and-tumble play may naturally seek out the more playful parent, while a more sensitive child may prefer the parent they experience as emotionally nurturing. 

Sometimes, preference can simply come down to novelty i.e the less familiar parent or caregiver may suddenly become exciting or special.  It is important to know that it is rarely personal.

Parent Preference Can Change Through the Years

One of the most reassuring things for parents to know is that parent preference changes and evolves over time. A child may strongly favour one parent during one stage of development, only for that preference to shift unexpectedly later on. Dr Christiane Kehoe likens it to children’s food preferences: Sometimes kids love a certain food for ages and then suddenly they don’t want it anymore and something else becomes their favourite. One season, a child may only want Mum, then suddenly Dad becomes the preferred parent, or one parent may be favoured for bedtime while the other becomes the go-to for play and fun. As children grow older, their emotional and developmental needs change, which can influence who they seek comfort, connection or excitement from. Interestingly, even during adolescence, many teenagers naturally begin turning toward the non-primary caregiver as they seek greater independence and emotional autonomy. While these shifts can sometimes feel confusing or hurtful, they are often a very normal part of growing up.

Why Parent Preference Can Feel So Painful

Even when parents understand that parent preference is developmentally normal, it can still feel painful. Being rejected by your child especially when you love them so deeply really hurts. For some parents, these moments can also stir deeper feelings of rejection, inadequacy or unresolved emotional wounds from their own childhood. Parent preference can sometimes activate experiences of separation or abandonment from our own childhood, making the experience feel even more personal and emotional. 

Practical Tips for Managing Parent Preference

The good news? There are ways to gently support connection without forcing it. It is important that you don’t give up on trying to connect.

If your child prefers one parent, try not to withdraw completely. Instead, proactively build opportunities for connection at calmer times.

For example:

• Read books together during the day

• Go to the park together

• Share playtime or rituals

• Build predictable one-on-one moments

Remember timing matters. Trying to step in only when your child is already distressed often backfires. Instead try building trust and familiarity during relaxed moments. If bedtime is heavily one-parent focused, don’t necessarily force a complete switch overnight.

Instead, share the routine. Bringing the other parent into little parts of rituals can be really helpful. Children love predictability and it can help strengthen bonds. 

Some routine ideas that you can implement:

• Saturday morning park trips with Dad

• Weekly café dates with Mum

• Bedtime story routines

• Playtime rituals

Children thrive on familiarity and consistency and can make doing an activity with one parent over the other easier.

Remember it’s OK for children to feel upset. Instead of immediately switching parents if your child is preferring one parent over the other, instead welcome the tears and try validating your child feelings with statements such as: 

“I can see tears…. You are feeling sad”

“You look really cross with Daddy...it feels unfair that you can’t have a say in who reads story tonight”

“I know this feels hard.”“You really wanted Mummy tonight.”“Daddy is here and we’re going to do this together.”

Children often need support moving through discomfort. See if you can be accepting of their feelings, before you reassure, correct behavior, or redirect. 

This approach, known as emotion coaching, has been shown to help children manage big feelings and build stronger parent-child relationships (Gottman & DeClare, 1997).

For the Parent Who Is Always Chosen: It’s OK to Need a Break

Being the “preferred” parent isn’t always easy either. It can feel relentless. Especially for middle-of-the-night wakeups, only-one-parent bedtimes not to mention the constant clinginess.

It can be incredibly exhausting if your child only wants you!

Sometimes children need opportunities to strengthen relationships with the other parent, even if that means tolerating some tears.

That might look like:

• Encouraging them to do some fun activities with the child, creating a regular routine 

• Taking time away occasionally

• Leaving briefly while the other parent steps in – start with shorter times and always state clearly that you will be back in a moment (avoid sneaking out)

• Supporting transitions gently but consistently

As long as children feel emotionally supported and safe, this can actually strengthen resilience and connection over time. 

Most importantly 

If your child only wants one parent right now, try to remember that this season won’t last forever.

Parent preference is usually: Developmentally normal, often temporary, influenced by familiarity and emotional needs and something families can gently navigate together.

Most importantly - it is not a measure of how loved you are as a parent.

Connection is built over thousands of everyday moments and children’s preferences often shift in surprising ways over time. 

Dr Christiane Kehoe reminds us all to keep showing up, stay connected and don’t take it personally.

You’re doing better than you think.

Like this article and want to learn more?  Listen to our Podcast Parents You’ve Got This - The Expert Guide to Parenthood for more practical parenting advice from Dr Christiane Kehoe.