Protecting Your Relationship in Parenthood: Expert Tips from Psychologist Dr Carrie Hayward

Becoming a parent is one of life’s most joyful transitions but it can also be one of the biggest challenges a relationship will face.

Before children, most of your attention is focused on one another. Then suddenly, a tiny new person arrives and understandably they become the centre of your world. Sleep disappears, routines shift, and even finding five uninterrupted minutes together can feel impossible.

So how do you protect your relationship while navigating the beautiful chaos of early parenthood? We ask our Parents You’ve Got This Psychologist Dr Carrie Hayward to share her practical, reassuring advice for couples adjusting to life with children and why small moments of connection matter more than perfection.

Why Parenthood Changes Relationships

According to Dr Carrie Hayward, one of the biggest shifts that happens after becoming parents is a change in focus, time and energy. We go from being each other’s number one to suddenly our attention, time and behaviour being diverted. While this transition is incredibly beautiful, it can also feel confronting. The relationship dynamic naturally changes as both parents adjust to new roles, responsibilities and routines.

It is not just romantic relationships that shift, either. Friendships and family relationships often evolve too. Parents may find themselves spending less time with friends who are at different life stages, simply because priorities, schedules and energy levels change.

But Carrie reassures parents that this phase is not permanent.

Everything keeps changing, babies grow, routines evolve, work situations shift, and family life settles into new rhythms over time. The key is giving yourself permission to stop expecting things to look exactly the same.

The Early Parenting Years Are a Season 

One of Carrie’s most reassuring messages for new parents is this: things are not always going to feel this hard.

The newborn months and even the first few years are often about survival, adjustment and learning.Instead of pressuring yourself to maintain relationships exactly as they were before children, Carrie encourages parents to embrace flexibility.

You can still nurture important relationships, she says it just may need to look different for a while. 

• Maybe coffee catch-ups become voice notes. 

• Maybe date nights become takeaways on the couch after bedtime. 

• Maybe the connection simply looks like checking in via text.

• Put your phone in a draw when you walk in the door. 

The goal is not perfection. It is staying connected in ways that feel realistic for this season of life.

Why Resentment Can Build After Having a Baby

Few couples escape parenthood without moments of resentment.

Maybe one partner gets uninterrupted sleep while the other handles overnight feeds. Perhaps one parent returns to work while the other is at home feeling overwhelmed and isolated at home.

Or maybe it simply feels unfair that someone can drive to work alone in silence.

Sound familiar?

Dr Carrie says resentment is incredibly common because parenting roles are rarely equal, particularly in the early years.

And importantly, equal does not always mean balanced.

In many families, one parent may be breastfeeding, recovering from birth or taking on more physical caregiving, while the other partner may be carrying financial pressures or struggling emotionally with time away from family.

Sometimes resentment grows when assumptions are made about who has it easier. The reality is often more nuanced.

A partner returning to work may deeply miss being at home. Meanwhile, the parent at home may desperately crave a break.

Both experiences can be hard, just in different ways. Carrie encourages couples to talk openly about what feels difficult for each of them without comparing who has it harder.

How to Stay Connected When You Have No Time

One of the biggest challenges for parents is finding time to connect when everyone is exhausted.

Dr Carrie’s advice? Schedule connection like an appointment.

“We’re very good at following through with appointments we make externally,” she explains. “We can apply that same principle to ourselves or to our relationship.”

In the early years with young children she suggests you create a simple ritual like talkaway night together that was non-negotiable. Not an elaborate date night. Not hours of uninterrupted romance. Just intentional time together.

And importantly, it only needs to be 20 minutes.

That small amount of dedicated attention can be enough to maintain connection during demanding seasons.

Because connection does not always have to mean deep, emotional conversations.

Sometimes it is simply sitting together, chatting about the day, laughing about something silly, or talking about what is happening in the world.

“Connection is just giving attention,” Dr Carrie says.

Small Moments Matter More Than Grand Gestures

When couples feel disconnected, it is easy to think intimacy has to look the way it did before children. But Carrie encourages parents to think smaller.

Much smaller.

Sometimes connection is simply:

• Sitting closer together on the couch

• A quick hug in the kitchen

• Holding hands briefly

• Touching your partner’s knee while watching television

• Checking in with genuine care

The power of a small moment is huge. In the exhaustion of parenthood, relationships can easily slip into an “all or nothing” mindset.

If there is no energy for a big conversation or romantic date, couples may disconnect altogether.

But tiny moments of intentional connection can be surprisingly powerful.

Even moment matters.

It’s normal for parents to feel ‘Touched Out” 

For many parents especially during the baby and toddler years physical affection can become complicated.

After a day of breastfeeding, holding babies, cuddling toddlers and being physically needed constantly, some parents simply feel touched out.

And that is normal.

Everyone has different comfort levels with physical touch.

For some, a quick cuddle feels nourishing.

For others, the idea of more physical contact at the end of the day feels overwhelming.

The important thing, Dr Carrie says, is to talk about it openly.

Rather than assuming rejection or disconnect, couples can acknowledge what they each need and find manageable ways to reconnect.

Communication can prevent misunderstandings and help both partners feel seen and supported.

When Do You Need Relationship Support?

All relationships experience difficult seasons especially after becoming parents.

But when tension, resentment or disconnection starts lasting for extended periods, extra support can help.

Dr Carrie says relationship counselling can be valuable when:

• Communication breaks down

• Conflict becomes frequent

• Respect feels diminished

• Couples feel disconnected and unable to reconnect on their own

• Parenting stress begins significantly impacting the relationship

A relationship counsellor provides a safe, neutral space where couples can better understand one another, rebuild communication and reconnect.

Sometimes couples simply need help finding the language for what they are both experiencing.

And asking for support is never failure, it is an investment in your relationship.

Final Thoughts: Protecting Your Relationship Starts Small

If there is one key message from Dr Carrie Hayward, it is this: Small moments matter.

Protecting your relationship in parenthood does not require extravagant date nights or hours of uninterrupted time. It is found in tiny moments of intentional connection.

A conversation. A touch. Twenty minutes together. A check-in after a hard day.

Parenthood changes relationships but it does not have to weaken them.

With communication, flexibility and compassion for one another, relationships can evolve and even grow stronger through the challenges of raising children together.

Because while parenting may shift your dynamic, you are still a team.

And just like parenting itself, remember Parents You’ve Got This. Like this article and want to learn more?  Listen to our Podcast Parents You’ve Got This - The Expert Guide to Parenthood for more practical parenting advice from Dr Carrie Hayward