Navigating Sibling Relationships and Fighting

Sibling relationships can ebb and flow and no two relationships - even within the same family - are the same. Leading Child Psychologist Deirdre Brandner answers the key questions she is frequently asked about what's normal sibling behaviour, how we can help our kids to build strong, positive relationships, conflict resolution, managing rough play and more.

How as parents can we help our children build and foster strong and positive relationships with their siblings from a young age? 

Research tells us that sibling relationships are the longest lasting. To foster strong sibling bonds, try:

• Setting kids up for family activities

• Don’t over schedule

• Simple specific praise

• Catch them doing the right thing

• Need to have house rules

• Look for chances to build connection

Is it natural for siblings to argue and fight from time to time?

Minor squabbles are normal and help children learn to solve problems. Fighting is not a sign they’re not getting along but how they’re getting along – intense conflict can be linked to intense loyalty and love. Children fight to test power, establish differences and express emotions. They all have periods when they want space or want to assert themselves.

What are some common reasons behind sibling conflicts, and how can parents identify and address these underlying issues?

Some of the common reasons are:

• Unfair treatment

• Jealous

• Feel left out

• Feelings hurt

• Angry at parents or others and take it out on siblings

• Older/younger age gap conflict because children are at different developmental stages

Conflict can happen as many as 8 times in an hour. As parents, we need to spend time observing and chatting with our child, we need to listen. Not lecture or judge.

How do we help our children work through their problems and conflicts in a constructive way?

We need to coach our children how to get along. Leaving them to just work it out can lead to more problems. Focus on the solution - not on who started it, always trying to be proactive not reactive. Don’t take sides. We want our children to learn to express their point of view and actively problem solve.

Children often worry that parents have a favourite child. What strategies can parents use to ensure that each child feels equally loved and valued within the family?

Favouritism is the greatest issue around conflict. To avoid this, make sure the environment is fair, have house rules. Each child should feel special and need individual attention. Don’t label your kids - eg. the sporty one, or the one who is just like her mum. Avoid comparing or taking sides. When we as parents stressed can inhibit our feelings or make sure we are being fair.

Sibling rivalry can lead to jealousy and competition. How can parents help their children develop a healthy sense of competition and cooperation?

Competition is good as it can make you work harder. To foster cooperation, work on projects together, celebrate individuality and aspire to keep things fair - not equal.

Sharing can be a source of conflict among siblings. Is it important for children to share and is this a learnt skill?

Sharing is a skill that children can learn until they are out of the egocentric phase (ges 2-7 approx). To foster sharing, try these tips:

• Praise sharing

• Play games

• Model generosity

• Wait turns

• When friends are over, teach it’s okay to put special things away

• Shared things and your things

• Use a timer

Is rough and tumble a ‘normal’ part of having a sibling, how do we manage this?

Rough and tumble play is important for social skills, for children to understand strength, impulse control and develop emotional regulation. It can be hard to watch - as a parent it can feel like an accident waiting to happen. Remember:

• The difference between play vs aggression

• Smiling laughing, eager to play vs tears or dominance

• Rough play in a safe palace

• Focus on empathy

• Willing to stop

• Awareness of others

Email your parenting questions to info@parentsyouvegotthis.com.au and together with our team of 30+ leading experts we will get back to you!

For more information on navigating sibling relationships, check out The Expert Guide to Parenthood podcast.

Deirdre Brandner has over 30 years experience as a Paediatric Psychologist. Through her private practice she has provided support to thousands of children, adolescents and families. Deirdre is a presenter and expert consultant in parenting & education, and is a regular guest on ABC News Breakfast.